The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

I wanted to become a better man for my then fiancé (now wife) before we got married. It was one of my goals to improve myself in many different aspects so I can help me help us. I wanted to become more patient and understanding as well as a better communicator. We've been together since high school and it wasn't always rainbows and sunshine, but we've managed to overcome those years of immaturity and useless bickers, and now have been on our growth journey. I found this book while browsing Reddit and am very happy to have it in hand. It has helped me tremendously and paints a better picture that marriage, or any relationship, takes a lot of work, belief, and togetherness. It's not your journey, my journey, but a "our journey". I've embraced the "Create Shared Meaning" principle and have been creating small traditions with her since we've gotten married. I go out of my way to do random picnics at the park, stop at a new and interesting place, eat foods from different cultures with her and it's been fun. We're both able to share new experiences together and that's what creates that inside joke that strengthens our bond. I'm very happy that she's receptive and has started reading this book with me for 30 minutes before we go to sleep (and I don't mind repeating it either since I gain new insights each go-round). Overall, folks, I highly recommend this book. It will not only improve your intimate relationships, but also any other platonic or familial ones. I take what I learn from this book and apply it to my friends and family too, and it helps me become a better man all around.

I have read many books on marriage and meet with couples to mentor them in their marriage. I have found no better secular book to lay out how to invest in marriages that set the marriage up for success. I highly recommend this book!

Love this book! My husband and I read it together. Initially because we were going through a little rough patch and my girlfriend recommended it to me. We both ended up feeling like it was useful especially to spark conversations and not feel like it was going to start a fight. I’d recommend this to anyone in a relationship. There are good exercises throughout the book that also help you understand yourself and partner better!

My wife and I started a couples communication class, and since it's based on the book by Gottman, I decided to read the book. It's well worth reading, especially for newlyweds, as it can save you a lot of angst in the long run. But even for vintage partners like us, there are lots of words of wisdom. Like a lot of books in the self help genre, no horse is ever dead enough to be beaten one more time, so I feel like this book could use some serious editing. But it was still fascinating on many levels, and a good enhancement for the class. I've summarized the gist of the book below, although the stuff on relationship stages is from our class booklet, and not from the Gottman book. Seven Principles for a Successful Marriage: 1. Enhance your love maps. 2. Nurture your fondness and admiration. 3. Turn toward each other. 4. Let your partner influence you. 5. Solve your solvable problems. 6. Overcome gridlock. 7. Create shared meaning. Signs of impending divorce: 1. Harsh startup. 2. The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling. 3. Flooding. 4. Body language. 5. Failed repair attempts. 6. Stuck on old memories. Relationship Stages: Stage 1. Love is blind. Your partner is the most understanding, smartest, kindest, sexiest person on earth. Stage 2. Power struggle. Futile attempts to change one's partner. Stage 3. Stability. Accepting your partner as they are, and switching to positive sentiment override (PSO). Stage 4. Commitment. Abandonment of all the self-defeating tactics.

Wow! Absolutely loved this book I must say. When I got this book, I wasnt sure Id love it. I know many people recommended it but after reading the negative reviews I was a tiny bit hesitant. But I am so GLAD I bit the bullet. I recommend this for anyone interested in having a long lasting relationship and many years of a beautiful marriage, either one you are currently in or one you want in the future. These truly do seem the keys to make most marriages last for sure. Even the ways conflict is handled is EXACTLY what I been asking for and EXACTLY what I wanted to see. This is the way conflict should be handled. Another pro: the book exercises are very helpful. After reading the questions and surveys I found them extremely helpful in identifying the core issues or positives in a marriage. People don't realize you are A TEAM when you are married. Its YOU 2 first, and this book preaches that. Also the 7 principles themselves I found to be very true and reading the studies as examples were quite helpful. I also appreciate how the book provides practical examples and tips on HOW to bring up certain topics, what to say, what to do in certain marital situations. The only complaint I have about this book is it doesnt seem to go into too much when to truly call it quits in a marriage. I absolutely agree that in most cases people call it quits far too early and people end what could have been such a beautiful thing for silly reasons that can be resolved or learn to co-exist peacefully, but I will say in some fairly rare situations there are times where a marriage simply wont work. I wish the book delved into that a bit more of what are the signs that your marriage really needs to end. But I would say that is a fairly rare case and again MOST of the time it can be improved with many of the exercises and points made in the book My other gripe is that the pages are so thin that it doesnt withstand the wrath of my highlighter! I wish it was a tiny bit thicker because I have to be very gentle with how I highlight so it doesnt bleed through... and trust me, I highlighted A TON in this book. So helpful

This is the best marriage/relationship book we have read! We have read many, many marriage books. They have never hit the reasons why relationships fail. This book does and if you actually do the work in the book, it’s an eye opener. Gives lots of opportunity for good discussion. Not many know what marriage is before marriage. The troubles will come. It’s how you handle them that makes the marriage work and last!

Smart practical tips - research backed and better than counselor

Seeing a marriage counselor and he said he uses this book and its tenets all the time because it's so effective, based on scientific research. I got one each for my husband and myself. We enjoyed doing the exercises at the end of Chapter 4. I read the hopeful parts of the book, the truly practical things couples do to improve and enrich their marriages and, thus, their lives. Sadly, then I read the chapter on "why couples don't make it." Shoot...they mostly apply to us. I analyze and nag too much, my husband is critical and snide all the time and we've let our friendship dwindle to low ebb. We've been married for over 2 decades and it's hard to see us change enough and in enough time to avoid divorce. We're both that miserable. The beauty of the book is that it provides excellent analysis and descriptions of both success and failure in marriage: literally, the author and all professionals who apply these principles can predict whether or not a couple will be able to resolve their conflicts successfully or not within a very short period of time based on how they treat each other. Certainly, the marriages that can seem destined to failed can be turned around if both spouses embrace the process and are willing to work on THEMSELVES and not so much try to "fix" their spouses. So clearly explained, all problems (and ALL marriages encounter problems...you newlyweds are kidding yourselves if you don't believe this) can be divided into the Solvable and Unsolvable. Obviously, by definition, most Solvable Problems can be solved. And it doesn't have to be that Unsolvable Problems lead inevitably to divorce. Sometimes the problem can't be changed by either party such as one becoming ill with cancer or diabetes and the other can't abide having a spouse who is ill. But even having a "mixed marriage" such as 2 conflicting religions can be worked out if they ignore their families' and friends' condemnation and agree to adhere to either or both religions--together or separately--and doing the same for children. Even couples who can't agree on whether or not to have children or cannot procreate themselves to the sorrow of either or both spouses can be resolved well enough to stay together and be happy. If nothing else, Unsolvable Problems can make the marriage stronger if the parties turn to each other in love and for support instead of turning away from each other in anger or sorrow. It's all a matter if you require to get your own way on every issue or allow yourself to build up ginormous resentment by always being the one who caves in to your spouse's demands, supposedly just to keep the peace. That's not a peaceful existence. Right now, I'm not sanguine that it'll work but my husband and I will both give it the ol' college try. I'll keep you posted.